In response to Green

 

Sam – The boy who was before coming to university, back when I was certain I would graduate with a 1st, get married, all that. Back when I knew my path.

I suppose he belongs to that girl. The girl I used to be. We tried to stay in touch and he even came to see me a few times up at uni, but, sadly, he didn’t fit into my new world. And I didn’t fit into the place he had kept for me in his life because of all the things that had changed in me.

He’s in every love poem I have written.

Max – The one who I wasted so much time trying to get to like me. Not love me, I didn’t care that it was one sided. But I wanted him to at least care about me. It’s really hard realising that someone you spent a good amount of time with really isn’t bothered about your existence. It hurts even more when you find out they are with another girl, someone you don’t know but are sure is 100% better than you could ever be. Yes, jealousy got the better of me so I stalked her on every kind of social media. It’s a complicated situation, and not her fault really, but I will always feel that she took him away from me, even though I know deep down he was never mine to have.

J – A one night stand that could have been so much more. Honestly, I’d had two drinks and was fully aware of everything. We talked for so long and seemed to connect on both a physical and mental level. Turns out he was still emotionally involved with his ex.

Ty – There are no words to describe the way he made me feel.We were friends, we were so close to being in an official relationship. Then he kissed some one of my (now former) friends at his party. I left right away, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t find out what happened. The group chat filled with comments, pictures, sound recordings. No one seemed to realise what effect it would have on me, the almost girlfriend. She had the audacity to send a long message to the group chat about how they were just friends and it was something that happened once because they were drunk. She never messaged me to apologies even though she was fully aware of everything that was happening between me and Ty. After a night out a week later she asked why I hadn’t gotten with anyone in the club. I told her I didn’t feel like it, she didn’t need to know I was busy filling a hole in my heart with vodka.

The worst part of the whole horror story?

I’m still friends with him.

****

I suppose, in reality, none of the girls are truly at fault – apart from my former friend, blame does belong at her door to some extent. And as a society aren’t we still used to calling a girl a slut whilst saying ‘boys will be boys’ (read my views on that HERE). But it’s easier to blame the one who you didn’t love, easier to blame the one who got the thing you wanted, easier to hate the one who is (in your mind) everything you aren’t.

It’s probably about time I stop letting boys/guys/dudes/lads/men be such a big part of my life.It’s probably about time I stop mentally marrying myself to someone after knowing them for a week. It’s probably about time I stop believing them when they say they’ll message me.

But, isn’t it also about time I realise that all of this is what will make ‘the one’ worth it?

 

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