‘Out in the shiny night, the rain
was softly falling
The tracks that ran down the boulevard had
all been washed away’
I had my summer ball and it was amazing, a very drunk post by a friends boyfriend resulted in me getting in contact with this guy on their sports team. And at first it was fun, two days of nothing serious, nothing stressful fun. Then the third day happened and it seemed like we just collapsed into each other, told each other our pain.
And the last few times we saw each other (with two weeks of term from the first day we met left all the times we saw each other were the last few. There were litereally 6 times we saw each other) things just got deeper and deeper. It was like we were handing each other our pain and asking one another to hold it, just for a little while. We knew that the other couldn’t really help, we knew that we had to take it back, we knew it was pointless. But we still did it.
Then, the final time, things got too deep, too scary for me.
I was still packing on the final night of uni, and by final night I mean at 2am after I’d spent far too long with my friends, all of us refusing to say goodbye until we couldn’t keep our eyes open any longer. But this boy messaged me, asking me to come to his. I said no, and he said bye. I thought he meant he couldn’t be bothered with me anymore with summer coming up. What he meant was he couldn’t be bothered with life anymore. I only realised this when he messaged me asking me to stop him. So I ran over, in my pjs with wet hair. Calling him until he finally answered, calling my mum in the middle of the night in the hopes she’d tell me what to do. He didn’t even want to let me in the door, it I hadn’t stuck my arm through and refused to move it I doubt he would have let me in. I spent a good few hours crying in front of him (something I never do in front of anyone). And he didn’t understand why I was there, he didn’t accept my reason of my coming just because he had asked. We fell asleep around 4, clothed, light on, me clinging to him, hoping to keep him there in whatever way I could. I left at 7am when my dad called, asking me to let him into my house so we could pack that car. It was not the end to university that I wanted. But I wouldn’t have stayed at mine that last night for anything.
Now, the poem:
You’re marked by a past
That leaks into the air,
Fills your lungs with a fire
That others like to stoke.
I hold you close
To keep you here.
I know no other way.
You cry about a girl I do not know.
I talk to you about a future
That you don’t want,
Tell you my friends’ names,
I ask for your pain.
You talk about a girl I do not know.
And I ask you about her,
I beg for understanding,
I take these words,
Letting them make wounds in me,
Because I would bleed for you,
I would let my bones break
Under the weight of your past.
I say goodbye when you’re half asleep
And hope we will say hello again.